Monday, January 22, 2007

Unsolicited Commercials!

Hopefully this becomes a semi-regular thing. I'm going to conceptualize and sometimes write commercials for products that probably would do themselves a favor by adopting my marketing ideas. I'll be glad to take product suggestions as I would love to lend my genius to companies deemed fit by the masses to receive such a gift.

Here's the first. You'll find out what the product is.

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

A WOMAN looks through cupboards in a huff. Her CHILD, a boy, 7, looks on.

BOY
Mom, I'm hungry. When's dinner?

MOM
As soon as I can find something
to cook.

BOY
But, Mom. My tummy hurts.

MOM
Fine. We'll have whatever you
want. Just name it.

BOY
Umm, I want...

He pauses, thinking deeply about it.

MOM
See? It's not so easy, is it?

BOY
I got it.

MOM
What'll it be?

BOY
Potatoes!

MOM
Potatoes?

BOY
(matter of factly)
Potatoes!

MOM
(shrugging)
Potatoes.

Tight shot on boy's face.

BOY
(yelling)
POTATOES!

Tight shot on Mom's face.

MOM
(yelling)
POTATOES!

Tight shot on boy's face.

BOY
(yelling)
POTATOES!

Tight shot on Mom's face.

MOM
(yelling)
POTATOES!

Tight shot on boy's face.

BOY
(yelling)
POTATOES!

Tight shot on Mom's face.

MOM
(yelling)
POTATOES!

The boy starts punching himself in the face.

BOY
(yelling)
POTATOES!

Mom throws glasses repeatedly to the ground.

MOM
(yelling)
POTATOES!

The boy is now openly weeping, slamming his head into the counter.

BOY
(through tears, sobbing)
Potatoes!

Mom vomits while laughing maniacally. Through her laughter and upchuck she yells.

MOM
(yelling through gurgling)
Potatoes!

The boy takes a few steps back and then makes a running leap through a nearby sliding glass door. In mid-flight, right before the glass breaks, he cries out.

BOY
(yelling)
POTATOES!

Screen goes black.

Scrolling title card on screen: Carrots. Unlike potatoes, they won't drive your family insane at the mere thought of eating them. Next time, save your family's life and pick up some carrots instead. Well, unless you hate your family.

2 comments:

eob said...

I read this post on a PocketPC handheld while busting out a deuce in the Mens room at work. I wonder what the people in the other stalls thought I was laughing at. Good post, looking forward to future commercials.

Anonymous said...

I'd like to see if you can make an ad for those Arby's reuben things that makes me want to put my fist through someone's face more than the ones they're already running... I'm betting it can't be done.