No, I'm not talking about muffins made from malt liquor. I'm talking about the goddamn Entenmann's English muffins that I bought from Ralph's no less than a week ago. Well, like one of those time-lapse videos you see of mold growing on various shit, as soon as I set that six-pack of delicious on top of my fridge, the mold started growing in fast forward. I got to eat three before the rest of it succumbed to the sickness. Three of six. And I ate two at once one time. Come on, time! Cut me some slack. The Entenmann's bread that I buy lasts for like a year, but the shelf life of a pack of their English muffins is worse than a newborn in the Donner party.