Saturday, June 18, 2005

Non-stop Stopping!

Well, if you haven't noticed, I haven't written for two days. I'm going to excuse myself, though, because I've been moving. And since I've forgiven myself, you should, too. But, to make up for it, this one will be kind of big. It's like that double issue of "Shiteaters Monthly" that they do at the end of the year.

I went to a birthday party for a friend last night. As with lots of parties, people have their cameras out in full force (like me and my baby-maker in an elementary school girl's bathroom). Inevitably, I get handed a couple of cameras and asked to take pictures. There's something that always annoys me when I get handed a camera:

"You just push that big button up there."

Really? So that's how you work one of these. I got one of these for Christmas a couple of years ago and haven't been able to use it because I've been completely stumped by it, so I just decorated it with my Bedazzler and forgot about it. I tried chewing on it, saying, "Camera, capture this occasion now!", and pouring milk inside of it (somebody told me that that's what cameras--robots from the future--use for batteries), yet nothing worked.

All I had to do was push the big button on the top of the camera in order for it to take a picture. Who knew?

Next time somebody's over at my house and asks to use the restroom, I'll make sure I let them know that they should aim their excrement into the watery hole in the harshly-lit room on the left and, when they're done, use the pre-supplied soft tissue paper to clean the area from whence the aforementioned human waste came, throw that paper into the porcelain pond, and, finally, push the handle down to evacuate their business.

Once I learned how to operate the camera, I just needed to learn exactly how to know what I was taking a picture of--perhaps there was something I could look through.

Baby steps.

I respond to reader's questions:
Anonymous writes:

Having read how annoyed you are by idiots on the radio, I had an epiphany (sp?). Radio could be a really good career for you. You are quick witted and always have a funny story to tell, and as they say... "you have a face for radio!" But seriously, have you ever considered it? I think you would be really good at it!
First, whoever you are, you spelled epiphany right and, for that, I'd thoroughly enjoy bumping uglies with you be you man or woman. I appreciate the compliment about me being "quick-witted," but, I'll have you know that these entries take me roughly four weeks to finish (well, from concept to first draft, second, third, and final). Unless, of course, you know me in real life and you're saying this from your experience with me there (because we all know the internet isn't "real life," this is where I get to come and pretend I'm a grown man who doesn't have a problem controlling his erections at inappropriate times). In that case, I'll have you know that everything I ever say and do has been thought out by a team of people I've assembled in a Voltron-like fashion to assist me in trying to divert the attention from my "face for radio." Jerk. have...a...face for...stupid...face. Sorry to be so harsh; let's just call a truce.

And, second, I would love to do radio. I haven't really tried to get into it that much because that takes some effort; I wouldn't know where to start. I did contact a guy at the talk radio station I mentioned before who does a show during the day and I sent him some stuff I wrote and told him I needed a job. He said he thought my stuff was funny and may get me a job, but that was over a year ago now; two more years and I'm going to start thinking he forgot.

Interesting thought of the day:
Bologna is the meat equivalent of that drink that bartenders make that's composed of all the runoff from the rest of the alcohol throughout the night.


Alyssa Castillo said...

Okay, so I was the one with the anonymous post last time. I just didn't want to figure out how to put my name on these posts. Now, due to the fact that you were friends with my brother and have known my family for about 15 years, I am speaking from experience when I say you are quick witted and always have funny stories to tell. Stop being so humble. You are one of the most talented people I have ever known; you just have so much talent you don't know what to do with it. And about bumping uglies, that is a spelling bee prize I have never heard of. Is dinner included?

Anyway, e-mail me sometime, I would love to catch up!

Unknown said...

wow. kurt has actual friends? i always thought he made up people to make himself sound sociable.

Drew said...

First of all, don't listen to friends and relatives when they tell you what line of work to get into. They just want free tickets to LaserFloyd or something. Also, radio pays about $6 an hour even if you're part of a wacky morning team. The only reason anyone does it is to get easy sex from skanks who want backstage passes or free t-shirts.

Lastly, that drink is officially called a 'Jersey Turnpike' and must be consumed straight out of the rubber mat thing that lines the bar.