Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Were You Not Entertained?

Russell Crowe, mostly known for his now-defunct band 30 Odd Foot of Grunts (and I didn't even have to look this up), and somewhat known for his acting career, was arrested the other day for throwing a phone at some motherfucker who got all up in Maximus' Maximus's his face.

I have a lot of questions about this situation:

  1. Why doesn't Russell Crowe have a cell phone?
  2. Why is this concierge guy even messing with Russell Crowe?
  3. Was the phone one of those old-timey ones where you hold the one thing up to your ear and you have to talk into the phallus sticking out from the box and say things like "Guv'na" and "Tally ho"?
  4. Do you think I could beat up Russell Crowe if I tried really hard?
  5. Shouldn't Russell Crowe have just urinated on the concierge and told him, "Don't you know I'm a celebrity? Technical problems don't happen to celebrities."
  6. Is throwing a phone at somebody's face Australian for beer?
  7. Why does Russell Crowe's $3000 a night hotel room think that it's better than me?
  8. Do you think getting hit in the face by a telephone thrown by a celebrity hurts more or less than it happening from a mere mortal?
  9. Do you think that if the concierge guy was the Last Dragon he would have caught the phone with his teeth?
  10. (Follow-up) If the concierge guy was the Last Dragon, did he move-a his feets-a to Daddy Green's Pizza (or, alternatively, was he like hot melted butter all over my body)?
  11. How tall is Russell Crowe (the only unit of measurement I use is in terms of how many Oreos high something is)?
  12. Do you think that if Evie from "Out of This World" was there, she could have reacted quickly enough to stop time before the phone hit the concierge in the face?
  13. Would she have wanted to? (I heard that that guy is a dick and totally deserved it)
  14. Does it also bother you that the television show "Punk'd" uses an apostrophe in its name instead of spelling the whole world out?
  15. If Russell Crowe threw a phone at 40 miles per hour, and the concierge threw one at 25 miles per hour and they were standing 20 miles apart, how far away from Russell Crowe would the two telephones collide? (Show your work)
Please answer some or all of the questions in the comment section below. I will be grading these and those that fail I will humiliate in front of the class.

Interesting thought of the day:
No matter what your parents say, being the harp player in the marching band is never cool unless you always wear a leather jacket and have your smokes rolled up in your sleeve.


Drew said...

15 - If the concierge threw a phone at 25 miles per hour (a really sissy throw BTW), gravity would pull the phone to the ground and cause the phone that Crowe threw to hit the concierge in the face.

I believe this comprises the bulk of Mr. Crowe's defence in this case. Perhaps you missed your calling as a buffount-hairdo'd wacky-ass celebrity lawyer.

Jimbo the Angry Clown said...

138 Oreos

Anonymous said...

"The faulty phone Crowe allegedly threw at Estrada was deemed by police as "a dangerous or deadly instrument"

Damn. Does this mean I need to register my cell-phone as a concealed weapon now?