Sunday, June 19, 2005

Tom Ka-ruise! (Because He's Ka-razy With a Capital K)

In the endless publicity machine that is Tom Cruise's life, recently some cracks have begun to show in the heretofore seemingly "normal" exterior. A year ago I wrote about Scientology and some of the things that they believe in that makes them all crazy. It turns out that I wasn't being sarcastic like I originally thought, but, instead, it turns out that I'm a prophet sent to warn the world about the impending battle coming. That's right, a battle between good and evil, Jesus and L. Ron Hubbard, Mel Gibson and Tom Cruise. This will be so epic that some may call it a War of the Worlds.


He did it to me, too.


That's going to make a kick-ass movie. The Passion of the Samurai. No. The Tim Man (By the way, I haven't seen Tim, but I'll bet that it's ten kinds of awesome). No. Signs on a Wire. No, that's two Mel Gibson movies; that doesn't work. Minority Weapon. No, sorry, that's not a movie, it's a sharpened toothbrush. Whatever.

Recently, though, things have escalated between these two . Apparently, Mel Gibson thought that scientologists operated on the same level as vampires and the girl who stabbed her vagina with a crucifix in that one Disney movie, and had Tom Cruise doused in holy water at the War of the Worlds Australian premiere (Mel's homeland--coincidence? I think not--or it is!). Luckily for him, Tom Cruise has given the Church of Scientology $2,000,000 this year, barely edging his way into the Platinum Package that ensures his protection from "holy water, the heeby-jeebies, and the stink eye."

Geraldo Rivera's mustache tells me that Cruise's underlings, Jenna Elfman and John Travolta, are planning to counterattack by making sequels to both Krippendorf's Tribe and Lucky Numbers and releasing them on the same weekend as Gibson's next film. This box office poison has been employed before when Elfman's Looney Tunes: Back in Action managed to scare crowds away from the theaters and even killed 13 Christians.

Interesting thought of the day:
One time, Webster walked in on Punky Brewster while she was having a three way with Wesley from "Mr. Belvedere" and Vicki from "Small Wonder."

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